| 10/06 |  |
Misadventures in Academia 02 |
I had a little outburst today. Given, I was taking TOO long to set up the experiment, I should have prepared before hand, and I was ignoring shortcuts given to me by my mentor. But I stuck to my guns, because I felt like this was a process- however painful- I had to go through in order to develop as a PhD.
Although I confess, I feel like I'm very slow on the uptake.
Although I confess, I feel like I'm very slow on the uptake.
Even though I have been out of school for quite some time, I still feel my some of my undergraduate vices have stuck with me.
For example, comparing myself with other people. I couldn't help but feel inadequate when my colleagues would talk about their grades from this last exam, saying how it was low when it was two points away from the mean. You can probably deduce that I was nowhere near the mean, and definitely not higher than the mean.
I've also started to become somewhat of a snob, but its only because I feel what is being discussed isn't really that exciting. I would also say not important, but I will never know that because perhaps that idea is the key to understanding life, we just have to expand on it. Why are things so different in the body? There should be some sense in why it is shaped one way over the other. I know that part of research is aimed at understanding structure. But I think understanding HOW things are different can help elucidate WHY they are different. And... If I were to be God, I would probably have structured things the way they are now just to amuse myself as I watched scientist beleaguer themselves with these questions.
I'm trying to put a cap on my snobbiness, but for some odd reason it amuses me. I know people might say that I'm insecure and the way I make myself feel better is by making fun of other people. But I'm not making fun of them; I'm not saying how stinky they are, how clingy they are or how stupid they come across. No, I'm finding amusement in their thought process. I'm reading people and developing hypotheses in my head. I think that's fun. And I think that these differences and unique properties that every person has to bring to the table are conducive for an awesome work environment.
I just need to find where I fit into this puzzle.
But back to undergraduate insecurities. I constantly hound the other graduate student in my rotating lab about classes. For some odd reason I feel like it shouldn't matter. Grad school should be about the experience and somewhat about the material. But developing as an academic should be the focus and finding new answers for things. Yet I fuss about these things. I feel like I should be talking to him about lymphocytes and how exciting they are instead of what grade they received on this exam.
Perhaps I'm getting impatient. Ah the curse of youth and experience: thinking you can solve everyone's problems because you have a head on your shoulders and two feet underneath, and have walked in these shoes before yet don't know your way inside that dark scary forest so deep. But once again, this is a process.
For example, comparing myself with other people. I couldn't help but feel inadequate when my colleagues would talk about their grades from this last exam, saying how it was low when it was two points away from the mean. You can probably deduce that I was nowhere near the mean, and definitely not higher than the mean.
I've also started to become somewhat of a snob, but its only because I feel what is being discussed isn't really that exciting. I would also say not important, but I will never know that because perhaps that idea is the key to understanding life, we just have to expand on it. Why are things so different in the body? There should be some sense in why it is shaped one way over the other. I know that part of research is aimed at understanding structure. But I think understanding HOW things are different can help elucidate WHY they are different. And... If I were to be God, I would probably have structured things the way they are now just to amuse myself as I watched scientist beleaguer themselves with these questions.
I'm trying to put a cap on my snobbiness, but for some odd reason it amuses me. I know people might say that I'm insecure and the way I make myself feel better is by making fun of other people. But I'm not making fun of them; I'm not saying how stinky they are, how clingy they are or how stupid they come across. No, I'm finding amusement in their thought process. I'm reading people and developing hypotheses in my head. I think that's fun. And I think that these differences and unique properties that every person has to bring to the table are conducive for an awesome work environment.
I just need to find where I fit into this puzzle.
But back to undergraduate insecurities. I constantly hound the other graduate student in my rotating lab about classes. For some odd reason I feel like it shouldn't matter. Grad school should be about the experience and somewhat about the material. But developing as an academic should be the focus and finding new answers for things. Yet I fuss about these things. I feel like I should be talking to him about lymphocytes and how exciting they are instead of what grade they received on this exam.
Perhaps I'm getting impatient. Ah the curse of youth and experience: thinking you can solve everyone's problems because you have a head on your shoulders and two feet underneath, and have walked in these shoes before yet don't know your way inside that dark scary forest so deep. But once again, this is a process.