This weekend I was suppose to go compete in a tournament. Back when I signed up, I was not so excited about it because it was going to be another day spent in a hotel convention room and no time to enjoy the rest of the day doing other stuff. Now that I'm disabled and unable to compete, a part of me is glad to save money. Another part of me wants to be there to watch the competition, to cheer others on and to hang out with my friends. And the competitive part of me is aching to get back into it already. My foot feels fine, already! Let me go at it!!!!

I've been thinking a little bit about this whole incident, about why this happened to me, how it happened... etc, etc... Despite the set backs it has caused in work and hobby, I has forced me to take things slow and give things more thought. It has humbled me and forced me to ask for help, something I would not do if I was not disabled. Furthermore, it has taught me to cherish things that I took for granted before, like the importance of my family and the role of fencing is on my sanity. Not to say that this is a huge epiphany or a "Disney moment"- it actually is annoying in the "I told you so" sense.

But I'm still discontent. The time I have to spend off my feet has finally sunk in, and I'm not happy with it. Of course I'm pissed, but then I don't know where to focus my anger. I can say I have no one to blame but myself, but then realize the futility of trying to blame something or someone. Is it going to give me back full function of my leg? Will it make me feel better if I blame myself?

Have I learned anything? Will I stop fencing, become old and a drone? Will I be happy fencing now, or will I become burnt out again? If so, why is it worth going through this again, where possibly I could injure myself again?

I could keep asking myself these questions, but I realize that life isn't as binary. One thing I learned anything from this was the importance of conditioning, and taking that slow. I will need to rehab a whole bunch before I get back to my current level. I've taken steps towards even when I have this cast on, taking extra care not to aggravate my injury. I have no way of predicting if I will be able to train as much as I did before, but it doesn't mean I will give it up. And just because I was injured because of fencing doesn't mean its a reason to give it up. Like one of the Orthopedic Technicians told me as he was taping my leg up, life is full of risks. Why live under a rock?

I have nothing else to do but to wait it out, but I'm learning along the way. I probably will not be the same as I was before the accident, but that's not always bad is it?

Welcome 2009, my journey and struggle to get back on my feet.

P.S. I've fallen in love with Mr. Children again after watching a fan video using "Tenohira". I've stumbled upon the "Kurumi" PV, and love it to bits. To the point that I'm a little obsessed and watching it more than once a day.